Joy.

The other night, I sat down with a heavy heart. I had a long, frustrating day of feeling intense burden about important things in my life, and feeling out of control. I also felt that my current inconsistency with REAL sit-down devotional time deserved a nice big slap in the face (mine). I sat down Sunday evening fully expecting to open my Bible to a passage telling me I was sinful, messed up, and utterly flawed. As much as I know ALL of those are possible in my character, God did not give me a wake-up slap in the face this time.

I opened my Bible and immediately felt I should turn to Psalm. After all, songs and expression have been on my mind quite a bit lately. Psalm 30 was ultimately the chapter I chose to focus on. I urge you to read it, but this part stuck out to me: "You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy, that my heart may sing your praises and not be silent. LORD my God, I will praise you forever.."

At first, I thought God must be speaking something different into my life, and I just wasn't listening. Maybe I had turned to the wrong passage. But when I sat down with my pen to write, the thought occurred to me that I am ALLOWED to be joyful. Despite my flaws. Despite my mistakes and failures. Despite my distractedness, impatience... I am completely justified in my joy. Its ok to be overwhelmingly thankful, full of love, driven by passions, and to THRIVE despite the inadequate nature of my own being. I am thankful...

... for my family. For Ian, Ana, and my husband Aaron who forgives, loves, leads, and makes me feel incredibly important in this world with each 12 hour day he works to support us. For the rest of my family and the way each complete me in their own way.

... for sunsets. Something about sunsets completely moves me, and I am just not sure if I'll ever have an answer. Pictures don't do them justice. Ever.
...For magical moments. The picture below of Ana reminded me so much of creation. God gently and lovingly patting firm the dirt and rocks of the mountains as the sun shone down on the freshly created earth. I have moments like this regularly, and I figure they are just a glimpse into the permanent and lasting beauty of heaven.


...for friendships, new and old. Dear friendships I have cherished and held onto so tight as we grow and start new lives and families and move away. Cherished friends who appeared in my life just at the right time. Kindred spirits who completely get me, and accept me as I am. Each has an incredibly special place in my heart.

...for the area I live in. The beauty I breathe in and wake up to every day.

There is a line in a song we sing at our church that says "what joy for those whose hope is in the name of the Lord, what peace for those whose confidence is Him alone." It is completely true with me. Sometimes I forget that this joy is to share and not keep to myself, because it feels. so. good. I feel the joy, just like sugar, sweetens everything in life. It doesn't make it perfect, but it sure does taste better.

Writer's Block

Being the visual person I am, when I considered diagnosing myself with writer's block, my brain literally envisioned a large cement block, and little me standing behind it, looking up. I would have just walked around it but the pools with sharks with laser beams and rabid dogs stood guard on either side... for miles. Then I considered jumping. I was a hurdler AND a high jumper when I participated (or rather victoried) in Track. I know how to jump quite well and, despite my vertically-challenged frame, I just might make it over. Not a chance. The brick was built just tall enough that even my hops couldn't get me over this one. Finally, as if a lightbulb had turned on in my head symbolizing a fantastic idea, a lightbulb turned on in my head. The brick was made of cheese. Slowly I started nibbling away at the giant brick, much like a mouse to its wheel of cheese. Then I realized I am not a mouse, but a person. And there are many ways to eat cheese.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I only have half the wheel of cheese left. Getting close. In the meantime, sorry blog world... not much excitement here.

to ian

To my nine pound five

The one who waited six days

To live outside the warm

Embrace of mother’s cave

To my ringlet boy

My blond haired ball of muscle

My warm milk guzzling

Bundle of joy

To my terrible love,

For juice and mother’s will

Collide, yet you are my pride

To my son who transforms

into rex or cheetah or bear

Preys on innocent princesses

Loves on wary tears

To the taller, growing still

Against my heart’s protecting will

Holding on, letting go

Journey onward, go boy, go!

Blessed Be Your Name.

This song pops into my head quite often. As a kid, I heard the words "blessed be Your name" very often. It became incredibly repetitive, but I sang it anyway simply out of my love for music. As I've grown, so has my understanding of just how many areas of our life we can apply this phrase to. I especially love the words in the bridge "You give and take away."

When I think of those words, I think of everything in my life that I have gained and lost. I gained a husband, then lost my Uncle Bill of cancer. I gained two adorable kids but lost one in between.

And in the midst of all my gains and losses, there is one phrase that rings true. "My heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name." Regardless of what happens... far beyond my fears, anxiety, desires, happiness, and victories, God's name will be praised in my life.

I do have down days. Today was one of them... well, more dreary than actually down. My heart was just heavy for some reason. Eh, maybe it was the rain. In any case... in my down days I recognize that God is near. But also when I am feeling filled up and satisfied in life... blessed be HIS name.

The hope of what's to come drives me onward, moves me along, and lifts my eyes to the sky.