Spring Cleaning

Lately, I have been slightly obsessed with cleaning, decluttering, sorting, filing, etc. Anything that makes my life easier and more manageable. The other day i made a mess of the dining room by creating a tent for the kids under the kitchen table, JUST so I could clean their room. And oh, did I clean it. I mean, I guess I didn't scrub the walls or anything. But I say with pride that their room looks amazing! I am sure my next project will be the pantry.

Yet, this post has nothing to do with my own efficiency and cleanliness. At some point this week, a thought popped into my head that actually made me stop what I was doing, and think.

Does God Spring Clean us?

I've been evaluating and reevaluating my life, obsessing over why at times I feel humbled, stripped down, broken, and confused. Sometimes in the past, all at once, I have felt life crash down on me. I couldn't say anything the right way, I couldn't keep my house clean, I felt lonely and broken... and in many ways I felt useless to the world.

But just when I felt I had nothing left, a hope rose inside me. I felt parts of my life were renewed, restored, and made clean. It didn't happen all at once, and obviously it can't all happen till I join God in heaven.

God strips down our pride. God is the One who cleans us, who sorts and organizes our life. We are like toddlers who empty toy bins with careless abandon. He puts it away neatly and labels it "God's."

Considering this Spring Cleaning analogy, I have to ask myself, "What am I doing the other seasons?" During the fullfilled and happy times, how am I serving God? During the complacent but willing times, how am I staying strong? During my depression, in my rage, and during times I feel useless to the world, how am I finding hope in God's promises? I guess I like to think at all times I at least accept the label that I am God's "project." :)

My Son.

This post is simply about my four and a half year old son, Ian.

Its been a ride with this kid... but then again what kid wouldn't be referred to as a ride, a handful, or a maneuver?!

I actually don't have much to say. I am simply proud of him. I think what others see as a social flaw, I see as mental strength. My son is confident in who he is, and doesn't need to be forced or pressed into a mold. Sometimes I feel more pressure as Mommy to make him fit the mold.

But I always want to help Ian understand that I am GLAD he is a different kid than the rest. He is unique, gifted, talented in so many ways. And he has the greatest smile.

That is all. :)

Uprooting and Replanting.

In 2004, I graduated college, married Aaron, and uprooted my entire life. I had a home, family, amazing friends, favorite landmarks... literally everything I knew I left behind to start a new life here in Blaine. Goodness I understood what it MEANT to be uprooted, but never knew how it would feel. Lonely. Isolated. Useless. Tired. But hopeful.

As I began my so-called "new life" in Blaine, it took a while for it to really feel like home. I seriously resisted, although not very many people knew I SO wanted to move back to my hometown. I remember in 2008, four years into living here, I was heading home from a family function up on the hill east of downtown Blaine. As I reached the final view before descending into downtown Blaine, I looked up.

Rays of sun emerged from behind the clouds, and poured out onto the city. The bay and the islands in the distance glistened in the warmth of the sun, and "I Can Only Imagine" started playing on the radio. I quickly checked my mirrors and stopped at the top of the hill, and enjoyed a few seconds of pure joy before a car pulled out onto the road behind me. Didn't they know I was having a moment?!

Still, I shivered in awe of the beauty of this place, and realized this was my new place to love... this was my home. God moved me here. As long as I choose to follow where God is moving, He will make a home for me.

Which lands me exactly where I am now. Every person, church, community, and activity, that has been part of my life before and after moving to Blaine has been essential to who I am today. I value the people I have encountered, grown close to, and I value the people and places I have moved away from. We are all part of God's story. As I move on, parts of my life beautifully unfold.

I don't really know how to end this. Its not like the story's over. But I know where I am is where God wants me, and I am planted in a church, in a city, and in a community where I can thrive. The contentment and joy I feel knowing this is sometimes overwhelming. (which I would like to express in a monologue...)

I guess when you know you are fully seeking the will of God, something happens to your heart. I can't really explain it... its much easier to just believe, and experience it.

And that is all.

Music.

Goodness I just typed and held down the backspace key at least five times. Its best to just be honest and admit my insecurity of posting an imperfect blog entry! I love you, backspace key.

Music drives me. I posted this in Facebook and didn't realize how much it moves and influences me, until I took a step back (just now) and looked at my life.

I was raised in a large church. I remember standing on the pews singing at the top of my lungs, "Great is the Lord, He is faithful and true..." Maranatha music and church musicals were my favorite part of church (beside the awesome yoyo guy). We moved when I was only ten, so I missed out on continuing the art of "church musicals."

At ten years old, I also chose to continue soccer and quit ballet (and sometimes wish I could go back and try again just to see what would have happened). I loved dancing, with a PASSION. However, it is pretty funny to look back on what I remember to be very skillful dancing, only to find the recital tape has been recorded over with silly little girls in black leotards, ungracefully flopping and twirling around on stage.

I remember the music vividly though, and how I felt it deep inside me.

I picked up violin at the age of eleven, I think mostly because I didn't have the lung capacity at the time to play a wind instrument. But I like to think what they said was true, that the more intelligent people play in the orchestra. :) I played orchestra until I was 16, then continued to master the art of "playing without having to be instructed, and playing what I wanted when I wanted." By the time I hit college, I somehow managed to develop a skill of playing background violin for worship. I didn't even feel like I was playing music... my violin was a means to express how I felt.

In 8th Grade Choir, the one year I ever sang in an organized group on a regular basis, I was picked on for reasons I can't even remember. I remember the thrill of the stage, performing with a group, and fun costumes, but also remember just not cutting it. I didn't continue with choir. Instead, I chose to master my vocal talent in the shower, the car, my bedroom...

I also used music as my source of focus before soccer games and track meets. I'd flip through inspirational notecards for about 15 minutes before the meet or game started, and get lost in the music... usually a little DC Talk or Jars of Clay. I didn't even care what people around me thought... I was just in my element.

I learned guitar my junior year of high school. A friend of my brother taught me how to play "Free Fallin'" and the rest is history. Plus, it was a piece of cake to learn guitar. Guitars have these things called "frets" that help you play the right notes regardless of where your finger hits! Violins really should have those. :) The rest of my skill is somewhat self-taught, with some help of cute, guitar-playing guys in college.

I skipped teen angst... or I at least think I did. It hit more in college, and fortunately I managed to express it through poetry and music. I wrote my first song in my dorm room sophomore year during a bit of a rough patch in soccer. From that point on, the songs just kept pouring out. Some were (and still are) more like diary entries than songs worthy of the stage. I still hold out hope that I'll write a decent enough song to be sung in public. I also hate my voice on recordings... however I've only ever been vocally recorded on a friend's system in an old garage in college, so I guess I can't say for certain. :)

So here I am, listening to some Hillsong Music, realizing I pick out the harmonies more than the lead voice, and feeling out all the instruments in the background beats out any focus on the actual lyrics. I rarely choose songs I like based on lyrics.

I can't even explain what happens when music hits me. Its like suddenly I want to cry, laugh, sing, jump, dance, play air guitar, and sometimes just lie on the ground in silence. Usually I end up adding some harmony and settling for singing along.

Anyway, enough of my rambling...

Random Catchy Title.

Facebook used to ask "What's on Your Mind?" It made life a bit difficult for me. I can have a dozen completely unrelated thoughts going through my head at once. Thoughts in Aaron's wise, humble brain might go something like this, "Gas grill... awesome." Mine is more like this, "I need more coffee, what's on Facebook? Where's my planner, and what am I doing today? I like cheese. I like chocolate. I could like cheese and chocolate together if I tried it. Coffee... mmm."

So. if you ask me what's on my mind seriously, with a few bullet points to help, here's what's up in my head.

- "Break my heart for what breaks yours." which is currently my favorite line in a song for many reasons. I want to care about what God cares about. I want to love those whom God loves. I want to hurt for people God cries for. But I also want to be broken for things other people care about. Shame on me if I ever get wrapped up in the few things I'm involved in without seeing the big picture! I need to be praying for the ministries and passions my friends and family are involved in! My friend Ali is helping the mission of World Vision AND eventually, foster parenting. My friend Stacy is heading overseas with her family for missions and to serve people. I want these people, and others who are doing God's work, to be in my prayers constantly.

- "Love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength." Deuteronomy 6:4-6. I plan to do this every day of my life, and to teach my kids why this is so important. God brings life when I feel I have none. He moves me and directs me when I don't know where to go. Goodness, who knows where I'd be if I didn't love God with all of me.

- Spring is a confused season. It looks nice outside. I put a tshirt and jeans on. I take out the garbage. By the time I get back to the house, I'm ready to curl up in a blanket with some hocho (Hot Chocolate for those of you who are Kelly Illiterate). Kelly prefers Autumn. Its blustery and windy, and mostly cloudy, therefore I wear boots, a nice sweater and coat, and jeans, and most likely a handmade crocheted hat. Pretty self-explanatory if you ask me.

- Yesterday, my Dad referred to my deep thoughts as Haiku. I don't really know what he was thinking. But it was funny. He also thinks "Blanche" is a very funny word. You should hear him say it sometime.

- I need to do a massive overhaul of my kids' toys, and I need to buy some storage shelving and bins for our apartment. Its embarrassing to have people over, when the kids retort "Ian's closet is a MESS!" That's so not who I am, and I wish I had time to follow through with my instincts to sort/organize/chuck. It would feel SoOOoo much better in the end!

- Thankful. Probably how I'd define myself lately. Just amazingly thankful for God's work around me, and how He moves me and directs me. I feel led in such a clear path, and I don't feel I deserve it sometimes. I am so unworthy and imperfect, and I am thankful that God chooses to bless me despite my imperfection. I can't explain this very well, because you'd think from what I said that I had a perfect life or something. That is absolutely not the case. But I feel blessed and comforted by simply knowing God is present in my life.

Eh, that's Kelly's brain today. :)

Something so Simple.

Sometimes I forget how easy it is to make my kids happy, and how simply I can show my love for them. After basically a month of trying to fit in everything possible, we just needed an evening with our family in Bellingham. Yes, we did have to tie in some errands, but we made those quick so we could spend the biggest chunk of our evening just playing and eating.

So, after stopping briefly at Lowe's, we decided to venture to a place Aaron and I had never been before... Old Country Buffet (and yes Katie, I DID eat the non-organic, yummy food!). I called back to Ian that we were going to "the buffet" and explained to him that he could pick out anything he wanted. We almost opted to go somewhere else, since I wasn't sure how much I'd eat and the prices are a bit high for us, but we sacrificed the budget for a little fun.

The kids couldn't keep still. At which point we realized Ian had needed a potty break for quite a while. But even after that, he seriously couldn't keep still. He was simply ecstatic and giddy to dine at a place such as this. (my words, not his).

We let the kids pick the table, then we all went up and showed the kids EVERYTHING. Goodness how their eyes lit up. I guess I remember life like that... I loved potlucks and anywhere I got to choose the food. So we grabbed plates, and loaded them up with whatever the kids wanted. Ian had pizza, applesauce, rice, and chips. Ana had popcorn shrimp (I lied and told her it was chicken), peas and corn, carrots, cantaloupe, and honeydew. I guess I must have steered her eating choices a bit.... haha! Both kids thoroughly enjoyed and gulped their chocolate milk.

As we ate, the stress appeared and just kept increasing. The kids were wired, Aaron and I couldn't hear each other over the kids, and I just wanted time with my husband. I'm also huge on discipline at the table (and life in general), so it was driving me off the wall. After a few frustrating minutes of this, I realized the mistake I made. We were there for the KIDS. We weren't on a date, we weren't fine dining, and we weren't with anyone who expected us to be perfect. Almost immediately, I gave in and enjoyed their company. I giggled with them, talked to them about their dessert, made up games to get them to eat their food, and *poof* I turned into a completely different parent. (which also helped Aaron enjoy the rest of his meal)

To jump to the end, the rest of the trip turned out perfect. We even sprinted through the Target parking lot with careless abandon on the way to our car. Our kids are seriously fast. The kids were non-compliant here and there, but overall, I felt like we were "that family who actually spends time and enjoys each other." It felt good, and there should be more of that. I think all moms to some extent get caught up in the "getting things done, making things happen" mentality of life, and we don't allow ourselves to simply enjoy. Or maybe its just me... but I feel somehow I'm not alone in this. :)

Here are the results of quality family time...